A serious reconsideration

Caution: *emo post* Things inside might not be suitable for you to read. So, don't read if you don't want to spoil you mood.

Was seriously reconsidering, perhaps I should drop myself from the course after all.

I'm sad, disappointed with myself.

Have you ever experience this?

You had been working so hard, yet you let down your group.

You tried to make things going smooth, yet everything messed up, with all the angry face looking at you.

Seriously, I'm not talented and I admit it. I know working hard doesn't help me to be more creative but I still work hard to catch up with all those "impossible to reach" stuff. Perhaps, that's where the "YOU ARE STUPID" come from.

Some people might say, be yourself, what other people think about you is not important.

But really, I can't live alone in this world. Life is about togetherness, life is about sharing your happiness, sadness, and even emptiness. For me, its impossible for anyone to be alone, yet, I'm now most of the time alone.

I'm really tired of feeling discouraged, disappointed, and having to get myself together again in the end. I don't want to wake up, hoping that I'm going to meet my grandpa soon. I don't want to fallen asleep in the car, in the toilet or on the keyboard. I know, at this point, I should not push myself harder as the possibility for me to be part of the mental hospital is no more a dream.(This is definitely no kidding)

I just wish to have one simple, peaceful and happy life and its totally opposite with my life now.

Wishing that I can look after your parent but yet to have the ability to do so.

I am so heart broken when I see them worrying about my health. When I did mistakes and they tell me, "its OK". They even drive all the way from KL just to have a look at my well being. They are not in good health, I know that even though they didn't tell me so.

I wished to walk beside them, slowly with their slowed down pace. Bring them to places they want to go. Yet, I'm so helpless. I wished that they doesn't need to worry about me anymore. But, if I leave architecture after 3 years I worked on it, what will be their reaction? I afraid that, they will be disappointed with me and thats the only reason that pull me from quiting.

I bet no one is going to understand this. But I still believe, I'm lucky in my own way for I have a caring family and for being able to understand all this.